Chapter 1: itblobboy
“Update 6.66 is now out! New halberd released, can be won from slots! Enjoy!”
The number alone should’ve been enough to set off numerous alarms. And for most people, it was enough to convince them that the halberd wasn’t worth the hours of grinding for slots money, with a slim chance of getting it.
But of course, itblobboy had to get it. It was his prime weapon, and even though it was very noob-oriented, itblobboy could not resist the attraction of the halberd.
Itblobboy spent over 10 billion on slots to get that elusive halberd. He sold his noob armor, noob helmet, and noob pets to other noobs in order to get that halberd.
On his umpteenth try, itblobboy finally managed to get the halberd. It took big effort to do it, with him spending his life savings on slots. He no longer cared about Helmet Heroes; all he cared about was the halberd.
But itblobboy was happy.
Itblobboy immediately tried out his new halberd. He slashed bouncers with it, wounded dark beholders, and barely scratched repguanas because of the new damage formula.
But itblobboy was happy.
Itblobboy spent every moment of his life with his new halberd. Slept with it, killed with it, ate turkey with it, and carried it around everywhere. The halberd got dirty of course, and covered with rust and bacteria.
But itblobboy was happy. He had no money though, and needed to borrow from loan sharks who charged an interest rate of 50% per day. He was going in debt and slowly became unpopular. He was happy, but not happy enough.
Until one day, the halberd spoke to him.
“You can be rich and happy, my friend. I will grant you three wishes, and your wishes shall be granted, full guarantee.”
Itblobboy was ecstatic. Free money? Free happiness? Itblobboy was stunned at this sudden change in his life.
“How do I wish for things?” itblobboy asked, ready to do anything.
“You must bring me to Mushroom Village and stand on top of Carter’s Coconuts,” the halberd replied. “There, you can wish your three wants and I will grant them. Just shake the halberd and state your wish, and voila, there you go.”
Itblobboy immediately teleported to Mushroom Village and hopped up on top of Carter’s Coconuts on his fifth try. Then, shaking with excitement, itblobboy shook the halberd and shouted out, “I wish to be the richest person in Helmet Heroes!”
Nothing happened. Itblobboy spent a minute breathing hard, suspensefully waiting for something to happen. A minute stretched into two minutes, which stretched into ten minutes, then stretched to an hour. Itblobboy waited in vain for something to happen, but nothing did. Enraged, itblobboy threw the halberd onto the ground from the top of Carter’s Coconuts.
A low level noob retrieved it. But itblobboy didn’t care. He didn’t care that he had just released the halberd that he had spent his life savings on, the halberd that he had loved.
Itblobboy was not happy anymore.
He was about to explode when someone traded him, obviously a noob. Itblobboy accepted the trade, and yelled,”WHAT??!!” into the trade chat. He was about to unleash his full arsenal of swear words and bad thoughts when the noob offered six mithril shields.
“For free,” the noob said, “because I took your halberd.” Then the noob offered twenty billion coins along with it.
The noob’s name was NapoIeon, and itblobboy was infinitely grateful to him. He didn’t care about how NapoIeon had gotten those coins, all he cared about was the money. Itblobboy now had a chance to start his life in Helmet Heroes all over again, with newfound money.
Itblobboy clicked confirm, and so did the noob. All the money, all the items...now his. Itblobboy gave a wicked smile and sold all the mithril shields for 60% at shop price.
With a jolt, itblobboy realized that he was now the richest person in Helmet Heroes.
With another jolt, itblobboy realized that he still had two wishes left. But his halberd was gone, stolen from a noob - NapoIeon.
Itblobboy immediately tracked down NapoIeon and found him lurking at Shroom Passage, admiring the halberd. Enraged, itblobboy took out his only weapon left, a bronze knife, and stabbed NapoIeon in the spine.
Then through the eyes after pulling the knife out. He sliced NapoIeon’s head open and spilt all the gory blood that existed in the head. He then stabbed NapoIeon’s body numerous times along several points, until NapoIeon was no more than a shrivel of skin surrounded by a lake of blood.
But itblobboy was happy again. He had his halberd, and though it was covered by blood, itblobboy had gotten it.
By mere chance, it was at that precise moment when belding walked into Shroom Passage, witnessing the murder that had just occurred. Belding opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again.
“I’m going to report you, itblobboy,” belding spluttered out, and ran off in another direction. Itblobboy’s eyes bored into belding’s back, and he smirked. Nothing could stop itblobboy now.
Because itblobboy was happy. He had his halberd. And his money.
“I wish to be king, and no one can defy me.”
Chapter 2: belding
After seeing itblobboy lying in a pool of blood with a bloody halberd, belding immediately ran off back to Mushroom Village, then to Elandra Island, where he thought that he would be safe.
Of course, he wasn’t safe anywhere.
Belding logged onto the Helmet Heroes forums and frantically typed up a report on itblobboy.
“Itblobboy has been abusing his strength! I’ve just seen him sitting in a pool of blood, and he was ready to kill me next! Pretty sure that’s against the ToS! Pls help! Ban him robby!”
Belding, behind a swarm of glords at the right hand side of Elandra Island, still didn’t feel safe. He spammed refresh on the forums to see if anyone replied to his post.
Sure enough, after half a minute, someone did.
Itblobboy.
“No proof. No screenshots whatsoever. No proof equals no ban.”
Belding looked at his post, stricken. He had forgotten to take screenshots in his fright! He slapped his palm against his forehead and realized what he had to do. He would have to track down itblobboy and take a screenshot of him killing someone else.
Belding tracked down itblobboy, who was still in Shroom Passage. Shuddering, belding teleported to Shroom Passage. Then, belding got an idea. An idea that belding thought was genius.
Belding contacted one of his guildies, JvonT, via PM and said, “Hey, I need some help here in Shroom Passage. I need you to dash all the way to the portal in between Mushroom Village and Shroom Passage. Then, I need you to yell out loud, ‘itblobboy is a murderer!’ Think you can do that?”
After a moment, JvonT replied, “Um...sure, I guess.”
Belding felt bad for using JvonT, his own guild member, like this. He knew that JvonT would most likely get killed as soon as he said those words. But it was necessary in order for belding to restore his reputation on forums.
JvonT showed up next to belding in Shroom Passage with a strange look on his face. “This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever done.”
Then, he dashed to where belding had instructed him to, and belding patiently followed, screenshot tool ready at hand. And sure enough, itblobboy was there, hanging out with his halberd. The only difference was that the pool of blood had been cleverly hidden, and the halberd only showed signs of a few stains of blood.
Belding expectantly waited for JvonT to say the line. And JvonT did say the line...in a somewhat distorted way than instructed.
“Belding said that you were a murderer,” JvonT said to itblobboy, and belding felt a worm of fear crawl up his throat. Belding’s eyes grew wide and itblobboy turned towards him.
“Oh, did he now?” itblobboy replied, a look of glee in his eyes. A psychotic gleam and a wicked smile.
Belding slowly backed away as itblobboy leaped at him with the halberd. But belding had no chance. Itblobboy cut off belding’s head with one swipe of his halberd.
Belding was no more.
Chapter 3: JvonT
Belding’s head slowly rolled towards itblobboy. Itblobboy, driven insane by the power of the halberd, picked the head up and placed it at the tip of the halberd.
Itblobboy now turned his attention to a gaping JvonT. “You saw nothing. If anything about this leaks out, you’ll be next.”
JvonT teleported to Wastelands, in a clear dilemma. Should he report itblobboy, or should he not?
“Aarghhh!!” JvonT shouted to the sky, sounding very much like the pirate he was dressed up as.
JvonT was torn up between two emotions: guilt and fear. Guilt was pushing him to report itblobboy, while fear was preventing him. JvonT couldn’t make a decision. He unleashed his rage on a nearby stalker, which exploded into bits, dropping a bat wing staff in the process.
Zane671, otherwise known as dave, came and picked up the staff. “Were you forgetting this?”
JvonT shook his head. “No.”
“Is anything wrong?” Zane671 asked, pocketing the staff.
JvonT shook his head again. “No.”
“Are you--”
“Just shut up and go away, all right?” JvonT demanded, and Zane671, holding up both hands, backed away.
“Fine, be that way.”
JvonT sat on the purple ground of the Wastelands. He looked at the Wastelands water, where numerous dark toads swam about.
Maybe drinking some of that will help me.
JvonT cupped his hand and drank some Wasteland water. Had a disgusting stench, and yet...delicious. Addictive. JvonT took another cupful. And another. The world seemed to spin around him, almost like he was on a rollercoaster.
I’m seeing dots...round, dark dots. Maybe that’s the answer. And why do I feel so dizzy?
Little did he know that the water was poisonous as he slumped onto the ground, never to rise again.
Chapter 4: Zane671 (dave)
Zane671 was pissed off at JvonT.
Why is he acting so moody today? What did I ever do to him?
Zane671 nodded his head firmly. That’s what I’ll ask him. I’ll stand up to him and ask him that.
He walked back towards where JvonT had been, and followed his tracks until he found him.
Dead, of course. Dead as a doornail.
But Zane671 wasn’t just any character who would scream at a dead body or stand in shock. Instead, Zane671 took dave, his tebra, and immediately took action.
He PMed a dozen people, including Naruto, Miso, itblobboy, coke_na_rc, Sintoque, koalasium, and some other people that he knew from forums.
“Come quick, everyone! We’ve got a murder on our hands!”
That line struck a nerve in most people that Zane PMed. Itblobboy, of course, had an exasperated feeling as he followed the flow.
Miso was the first to arrive, and as soon as he saw the dead body of JvonT, Miso got nervous. He started to fiddle with his “beautiful” hair and stood back. Zane671, observant as ever, noticed this, but didn’t say anything about it. Yet.
The others arrived, all having the same reaction as Miso, except for the part with the hair fiddling. Most of them didn’t have enough hair to do that.
“Okay, out with it everyone. What’s wrong?”
Coke_na_rc had his eyes closed, as if meditating. “The presence of dark magic is strong here.”
Everyone else nodded.
“We think it’s come up with the new update,” Naruto explained. “Update 6.66. Our thinking is that the new halberd that came out has certain properties that defy the laws of Helmet Heroes. And yet, it exists.”
Miso jumped in. “I sent a PM to robby, and he replied. It seems to be the most frightening update yet...here’s what he wrote.”
Everyone went silent for a moment. “So...it’s that halberd that’s causing all this trouble.”
And just like that, everyone realized where the halberd belonged.
“Where the heck is itblobboy?” Zane671 asked, thinking the same thought as everyone else.
“Were you guys looking for me?” a voice, out of nowhere, asked from behind them.
In one single motion, everyone turned. Uh oh.
Sintoque, though later he claimed not to, was witnessed screaming like a girl as he and the others fled the murder scene.
Itblobboy sliced JvonT’s head and stuck it on the top of his halberd alongside belding’s head.
“Perfect!” itblobboy said in delight, a gleaming, innocent smile on him.
Chapter 5: Miso
Miso also ran screaming like a girl as he ran away from itblobboy. And it was well justified by the fact that itblobboy now looked like a total psycho.
This felt like the Hunger Games, and Miso was one of the targets. He ran for dear life and teleported to nearly eight places before settling at Robo Lover’s Home, a place that he thought no one could find him.
Cassie, immobile as always, stood in the Robo Lover’s Home, being an NPC. Miso shook his head. It would be nice to have a free life as an NPC.
“Miso?” A voice. Miso, startled, turned around, but saw no one there.
Then, as he turned back around to face Cassie, Miso saw a horror beyond his scariest nightmares.
Itblobboy.
“Miso? Why are you staring at me like that?” itblobboy sounded innocent...and yet, Miso knew he wasn’t.
It’s just an illusion. Itblobboy is in fact a psychopath. I mean, look at those heads!
I feel like I’m part of a cheesy soap opera.
And I’m doomed.
Chapter 6: Naruto
Naruto, having a couple of brain cells, switched servers and hung out at Wastelands. He assumed that the last place that itblobboy would search for people would be where they started - the Wastelands.
He then armed himself with his phantom wand and prepared to press M at the first sign of movement.
Nothing.
Naruto, while keeping a hand on the phantom wand, cautiously checked his friends list.
Miso: not online. Naruto’s face fell as he realized what this meant. Dead.
coke_na_rc: Craftman Falls, of all places.
Sintoque: Proteum Bottom
itblobboy...not online? Confused, Naruto closed it out and check again.
Maybe it’s just a glitch in the friends list.
But Naruto was clearly shaken immensely by this. How can itblobboy not be online and yet just have been here?
“The answer is simple,” a voice said from behind him. “Itblobboy does not exist anymore.”
Naruto slowly turned around, and to his relief, saw coke_na_rc in his Santa costume, with the wise-looking beard and the phantom staff.
“My god, coke, I thought you were itblobboy!”
Coke smiled. “No, I’m not itblobboy.”
Naruto let out a heavy breath. “That was frightening, bro! But wait…” Naruto noticed that coke’s teeth looked unusually red. Blood red.
Coke spoke again. “But I’m not coke_na_rc either.”
The last thing Naruto saw was a halberd with three heads stacked on top of it.
Chapter 7: koalasium
Koalasium was a true hero at heart. But when it involved a magical halberd, forget it. He wasn’t going to mess with a magical halberd that could potentially destroy the world of Helmet Heroes.
But of course, being the brave man he was, koalasium couldn’t resist a challenge. He didn’t run or scream like a girl; instead, he stopped by the Mushroom Library to buy a book from Lewis, the librarian that sold books for money instead of letting people check them out.
There! The big book of updates. Koalasium rifled through the pages until he found the most recent update - Update 6.66. What a suspicious number. Koalasium read the text stated under this update.
“Update 6.66’s most major introduction was the magic halberd, currently only able to be won from slots. There is only one halberd of this power, and once won from slots, no one else can get it. The person who wields this halberd will gain extra power and will have certain, unnamed abilities. Rumors of these abilities include having three wishes granted at a full guarantee. As this magic halberd hasn’t been around too long, not much else is known about this halberd.”
Koalasium set the book down, but Lewis shook his head. “You touch it, you buy it.”
“What kind of rule is that?” koalasium exclaimed, but Lewis’ eyes bored into koalasium’s.
“You go by my rules in my shop, or else I’ll call the police.”
Koalasium didn’t know that there was a police in Helmet Heroes, but just to be safe, he paid the 210k for the book, and feeling cheated, he hid the book in his inventory.
“Looking for something?”
Koalasium knew that voice. He didn’t stop to turn, and using his ten brain cells, koalasium teleported to Viper’s Shop. He armed himself with his repguana bow, and waited frighteningly waited for itblobboy to enter the shop behind the cover of Viper.
The door of the shop slowly opened, and four, lifeless heads peeked through.
Chapter 8: Ameba
Ameba hadn’t been at the horrible scene at the Wastelands. But he’d heard enough. And he wasn’t going to let itblobboy get away with it.
“Alright, gang, let’s git him!” Ameba shouted to his gang as soon as a shuddering Zane671 finished explaining the course of events.
Ameba’s gang consisted of plak, Im_a_merchant, MajesticOne, and Zane671. Technically, it wasn’t “Ameba’s gang.” It was a democracy, and Ameba happened to be the leader for that month.
The gang (gang being an overused word) usually spent their days playing pranks on others and taking up space in GVG Woodlands. But when times of evil came, the gang did everything they did to stop them, and almost all the time, they succeeded.
Almost all the time. Ameba still remembered the death of Saruman107, when Ameba accidentally killed him. All it took was one thunder attack, and…
Ameba had stopped using thunder after that event.
The gang waited, grim and determined, at the Wastelands Entrance, where they found the dead bodies of JvonT and Naruto, both without heads.
Ameba studied the ground and found the tracks of...someone. This was hopeless. Itblobboy could simply not be tracked down.
Unless, of course, he came to you.
Ameba grit his teeth, bought bullhorn, and said to his fellow gang members, “Well, guys, I’m gonna have to use myself as bait. You guys hide and ambush him, alright?”
The gang was about to complain, but it was too late. Ameba had released the bullhorn.
“Itblobboy, we know you’re a murderer. My gang challenges you to a duel. Chicken? Come to Wastelands and we’ll find out if you’re one or not.”
The gang knew that there was no chance of saving Ameba. They blended into the background, hiding in their spots for the ambush.
The suspense was killing him. Ameba almost closed his eyes so that they were little slits, observing everything that was happening.
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
Ameba whirled around to the sound. He recognized that sound...it was the sound of someone dashing.
“Plak, was that you?”
No answer.
“Guys, where are you?”
Silence.
Ameba held out his staff in front of him. He had practiced Kumdo back in his detective days, and knew how to handle himself. And yet...he felt oddly endangered. Like a dodo in poaching season.
“You’re dead.”
Chapter 9: plak
Plak saw as Ameba suddenly disappeared. He slowly came out of his hiding place with the other members of the gang. Where had Ameba gone off to? Surely he wouldn’t prank them in a serious moment like this?
“Ameba?” Plak slowly took a glance at his surroundings. There was nowhere that Ameba could’ve gone to, save perhaps teleport. But this was the real thing! Ameba would never do that!
Frustrated, plak turned to his fellow gang members...only to find them gone too.
What is this?
Plak found himself in a very dark Wastelands, closed off from the rest of the world. No noobs (great!), no stalkers (not so great), and no communication to the other side (bad). In essence, he had nowhere to go.
“Get me out of here!” plak shouted, as he vainly tried to teleport, but the map wouldn’t load. Was it the lag? Or possibly, itblobboy? Either way...plak was frozen. On his screen and on his feet. But his mind was clear enough to see the fate-choosing halberd coming towards his face…
Chapter 10: Im_a_merchant
Merch’s mouth fell open as plak disappeared along with Ameba. This defied the laws of Helmet Heroes, and yet...it happened.
“MajesticOne, come look at this,” Merch called as he wandered over to the spot where both of their leaders had disappeared.
MajesticOne and Zane671 followed Merch to the spot. There was absolutely no sign that anyone or anything had ever stood at that spot.
“Something seems to be very fishy here…” Zane671 stated.
Duh.
As Merch bent down to inspect the ground, Zane671 fell down with a thump! Merch abruptly stood up, and after seeing Zane671’s headless body, he jumped sideways to narrowly dodge a swishing halberd that had been aimed straight at his head.
Itblobboy...the nightmare. His eyes had sunken, his teeth were yellowish red, and his hands were covered in blood. And his halberd had eight lifeless heads stacked up on top of each other...all different characters that Merch had once known.
Itblobboy looked enraged. He slapped the blade of the halberd and yelled, “Do better!”
Signs of insanity.
Merch barely dodged another attack and had his hand cut off by another.
He had no choice but to scream.
Chapter 11: MajesticOne
The screams abruptly stopped, and MajesticOne, who had used his brain cells to find a hiding place, peeked out of the murky lake of Wastelands. He had yet to find out that the water was unsafe...but it didn’t matter. MajesticOne was desperate to live.
“You can run, but you can’t hide.” Itblobboy’s voice had grown raspy and inhuman. It just wasn’t itblobboy anymore.
MajesticOne went underwater again. He knew that it would be hard to spot him through the murkiness of the water. He thought he was safe.
And he was, in a way. Itblobboy disappeared off to some random location, and MajesticOne, relieved, stood up and crawled out of the water.
But the water had been dangerous. It had killed one person. It could kill again.
MajesticOne started to feel queasy, and felt his skin burning. He looked down in horror to see that his skin had charred up, and was black with ash. His legs dissipated into thin air as he started to turn into ash.
It wasn’t pretty. His eyes were sunken and bleeding out, and he looked as though someone had drained away his entire life. Like a vacuum, MajesticOne was destroyed as his entire body and soul was sucked inwards.
All that remained of MajesticOne was his sunken head. Which, of course, was picked up by a certain character brandishing a halberd.
Chapter 12: coke_na_rc
Coke’s honorary actions have to be mentioned, of course. He was the one that ultimately saved the day from the magic halberd.
After itblobboy scared everyone off, coke_na_rc, better known as coke, used his hundred brain cells to choose to teleport off to Bouncer’s Cave. He knew that Bouncer’s Cave would provide the low visibility that would be required to evade itblobboy. Then, he logged onto the Dunamis server and changed the password, while kicking everyone already on it out.
Coke now resided in Bouncer’s Cave, grinding bouncers peacefully as the drama and action occurred out in the normal servers.
But finally, coke realized that the time had come for him to use his powers for good, and not evil, like itblobboy had.
Coke armed himself with his fishing pole, yawned, and then tracked down itblobboy to find him at the Wastelands Entrance. There were eleven heads stacked neatly on top of his halberd. Coke would be the the twelfth.
Coke drew back his fishing pole, and then threw it at a 1 o’clock angle, having it wrap around the halberd. Coke was about to use his super strength to pull the halberd away, but then…
“I wish to never be separated from this halberd!” itblobboy frantically shouted, and his third and final wish was granted. There was a brilliant flash, and itblobboy morphed together with the halberd to create a disgustingly shaped object that was neither man or weapon. The eleven heads had blended together like Play-doe to form a huge lump that appeared to be a tumor in the halberd’s warped blade.
Coke curled his lip in distaste as he observed his now-burnt fishing pole.
“Good riddance.” He threw down the fishing pole, kicked the halberd into the murky waters of the Wastelands, and headed off to the Fishing Port to buy himself a new pole.
Chapter 13: Sintoque
There’s still one person that was mentioned before but hasn’t been concluded yet.
Sintoque.
Now, Sintoque went unawares in Proteum Bottom as itblobboy tracked down the others. He would’ve been next, had coke not finished itblobboy off.
Sintoque, wanting to check what had happened, headed over to the Wastelands Entrance to find nothing there.
But wait! There was a silver glint coming from the waters…
Sintoque retrieved the halberd and looked at it. Disgusted, Sintoque was about to get his bazooka and blow it up, but it spoke.
“You can be the king of Helmet Heroes. I can make you king. You have three wishes, to wish anything you want…”
Acknowledgements:
Thanks to all people who contributed, gave me permission, and sent me pics to use for the story:
coke_na_rc
plak
Ameba
MajesticOne
itblobboy
Miso Sintoque
Im_a_merchant
JvonT
belding
Naruto
dave
pft, Monochrome, thomaseat1234, LycanBlade, and fellow guildies (not mentioned in the story, too lazy to do it XD)
Inspiration for this story came from the story, The Monkey's Paw.
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